Friday, December 11, 2009

Home Gout Kit


I woke up two days ago with an extremely stiff knee and as soon as I put weight on my leg I knew I was being paid a visit by "My Old Friend the Gout" (reader can choose to hum along to the Steve Earle or Proclaimers version of the song). I can't put my finger on where it came from. I haven't eaten much red meat, my last glass of red wine was about six years ago (for a wedding toast) and I have been drinking a lot of water.

Gout is one of the most debilitating aspects of my arthritis - you can't walk on it (it hurts) you can't sit (it swells) you can't just lie there (it stiffens). About all you can do is drink lots of water and cherry juice and wait and wait and wait. It has always just affected by feet (usually my left big toe) so it was kinda different to watch my knee swell up and take on all of the joy that is a gout attack.

If you are wondering what it is like, I have the recipe for a Gout Simulation Kit that you can assemble with items from around the house, mostly. The first thing to do is go to a sport supply store and get the liquid heat in the pure form (normally you would dilute it but that wouldn't give the burning red glowing effect of gout). Next take an old picture frame and remove the glass; shatter the glass and collect it in a sock. Now place the sock on your red, burning foot. Find a shoe that is at least a size too smal and jam your foot in. Tighten up your shoe so that even if you don't walk on it the slightest movement will cause the glass shards to cut into you feet. Finally, carry a roofing hammer with you at all times and everytime you brush up against something or someone comes in contact with your foot (or even looks like they might come in contact with your foot) wind up and deal a crushing blow to the joint on you big toe (always hit the same toe and even the same joint to make the most authentic re-creation). Of course walking means that your foot comes in contact with the ground at every step so it may be more convenient to carry a golf club so you don't have to bend over to strike your foot.

The best way to speed up the healing process is to drink massive amounts of water and cherry juice to flush out the uric acid that has crystalized in your joint - so that means that you will be walking to the bathroom constantly for next few days (don't forget to take your hammer).

I am beginning to see why old men get so grumpy - after a couple of days of gout I am ready to snap at anybody in a three foot radius of me and my enflamed joints!!

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