The Cost of Anger

I was away for a week doing some consulting for a group of provincial departments and crown corporations. I still do a little HR consulting on the side because (1) church planting isn't a get rich quick scheme and I have three kids a mortgage yada yada yada and (2) it keeps my head in the real world. I always book these junkets as holidays so I have severely abused the precept of Shabot over the last few years (something to be rectified in the New Year) but a change is as good as a break and I generally come back recharged.

During this particular set of meetings I decided to stay in my hotel and use the evenings as a time for prayer and rest (something sorely lacking in my real life). As I prayed I was amazed by the amount of anger that poured out. As I prayed there seemed to be a flood of faces and situations that I had pushed to the backburner over the last five years. It hurt to revisit these things but they had obviously never been dealt with and so I let it fly. It was very freeing to have a psalmic prayer time - a real Robert Duvall in the Apostle "sometimes he talks to God sometimes he yells at God" type of prayer. It made me think of all of the lost productivity and sideways energy expended. It has left me walking in numbness.

A while back I was at a lecture where Martin Robinson posed the question "Are you changing the Church of England or is the Church of England changing you?" It was a story he told that was to prompt us to ask the same question in our own contexts. As I have thought about this I have to admit that I have begrudgingly changed and become bitter not better as I have served. I have gone from 'happy go lucky' to extremely cynical in less than 5 years. Once a "young bottle-rocket and pepperpot" (an actual reference from a former professor) with a future in the academy I now am an oft-bitter, middle-aged guy with a slight shuffle in his step!

It has not been all bad but I carry some wounds (as we all do I imagine) that need to be healed. I am looking forward to this healing process in the new year even though I suspect it won't be easy - as I discovered during my angry prayertime.

Anyway thats my rambling for tonight and I have included a picture from my sketchbook (I will do this from time to time) that was inspired by Dr Robinson's question.

Migwec